Claire and Sophie walk down the hall, getting into an argument about- once again- weight.
"Eat a cheese burger, damn you!" Claire exclaims, poking me in the stomach and causing me to wiggle. "I can feel your ribs!"
"That's tickles!" I shriek, prompting me to dodge and zig-zag. "Besides, I like my body the way it is." Claire grins manically.
"But you have no boobs!" Rolling my eyes, I stand up tall and loudly declare,
"I love my body, especially not having any boobs!" Luckily, no one near appears to have heard me, being too involved in their own conversations. But it seemed to have tempted fate, for as I said that, goose bumps broke out all over.
A fairy appears in front of them. Although she was small, about the size of a fist, the pair of knockers she had on her were still bigger than mine.
"I'm so sorry dear! Someone has corrupted you into being OKAY with no boobs? What trickery is this? And you!" She says, turning toward Claire in midair, "How could you let her be so brainwashed?" We stare at the tiny fleshy fairy in a skin tight dress floating at head level gesturing wildly with a sparkly pink wand.
"Someone needs to fix this!" *POOF* "and" *POOF*
I look down, feeling a tremendous new weight upon my chest. Boobs the size of my head hang downwards, causing me to grab them so my spine won't break from the weight. Looking over at Claire, her shirt suddenly deflates, leaving her looking as flat as I was before watermelons weren't transplanted onto my chest.
"OH MY GOD. I HAVE BOWLING BALLS ON MY CHEST. GET THEM OFF GET THE OFF GET THEM OFF!" I scream, running around in circles. I discover why girls with big chests do not run all that often. Stopping, tired after having to carry them, I fall over, and seem incapable of getting up.
Claire looks at the fairy.
"You just created her personal hell, you know that?"
"Don't be ridiculous dearie, everyone wants boobs like that! And your new situation is punishment for not teaching your friend the proper ways."
"Of boob worship? I'm not a guy you know!" And upon hearing that, smirking, the fairy vanishes with a small pop.
By this time, other people in the hall way have noticed the New Me squirming on the floor. Claire hurries over to help me up. Giving me a hand, the hallway now sees the… things. Every straight male in the crowd promptly falls over in shock. And a few lesbians, too. We hurry off, holding a jacket over the problem area.
Hiding in a corner of the subway, we stare at the massive flesh balls that won't stop moving. I (stupidly) wonder out loud:
"Is it bad that now that I have them, I just want to poke them and yell 'JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE!'" Claire looks at me, eyebrow raised.
"Boobtastic thing to do #1: Poke and yell."
"Okay, but really, what are we going to do? We need to get things back to normal! My shirt feels too big now. Is this how you feel all the time? It's all floppy right there. I don't like it." I death glare the short child, who is currently involved with stretching out her shirt front. "If I could give you these jello… lumps, I would."
My only answer was Claire pulling out her phone.
"Hey, Ozzy? You might want to-" Her conversation was cut short. I tackled her with all my strength, unfortunately, not being used to the added weight, I barreled over, only managing to slap Claire in the face with my oversized breasts. The ride home was awkward, to say the least. Especially with every time someone saw my two new problems a tent was pitched in their pants, and Claire, being so light now, kept floating.
Getting back to the apartment, I realize that, while living with my two best friends sounded like heaven in high school, when you suddenly gain giant breasts and want to escape prying eyes, it's hell.
"Claire, I feel like if anything touches them they'll explode!" I whine, pulling at the straps of my constricting new bra, which was bought upon realizing that all the sports bras I own would be useless. Claire chucked a pillow at my chest from across the room. I grab it to my chest, shielding it from other blows. "HEEEY!" I yell, as she collapses in giggles. "That was unnecessary!!"
"What was unnecessary?" Ozzy asks, walking in. He abruptly stopped, blinking and staring at my new boobs. Claire takes one look at him and falls off her perch on the couch, braying like a donkey.
"Boobs... Fairy... Poof..." After a pitiful attempt at an explanation, she gives up, succumbing to her laughter.
I turn a lovely shade of crimson as Ozzy crosses the room. He pokes my breast and it jiggles, like the icky green jello with broccoli floating inside. I can tell that he's trying not to laugh.
"So... Silicone?" His calm complexion collapses and he bursts out laughing. The room is filled with the guffawing of my best friends. Ozzy pokes my breast again, watching it move. A new wave of giggles washes over them. I slap his hand away, turning away and crossing my arms over my gargantuan chest. Claire notices my distress and attempts to quiet her laughter, punching Ozzy lightly. "So," Ozzy begins, in between giggles and gasps, "Looks like you've gone under the knife."
"Did you know that boob fairies exist?" I asked. He shakes his head, laughing. "Yeah, boob fairies exist." Ozzy nodded, not really looking like he believed me. "Claire no longer has any. Correction; she has the size of my old ones. So, not any, really." Claire glares at Ozzy as he gets an inch away from her chest.
"Look all you want, dude, they're not going to be there." That makes heat rise to my cheeks yet again, remembering people insulting my old chest. The color deepens when the two of them look back at me, and my new chest.
"What are we going to DO?? Plastic surgery could work...." Ozzy's laughs re-double.
"Why would you mess up boob-jobs that good?"Claire glared at Ozzy.
"You really think we would waste money on messing up our boobs?" Ozzy shrugged, grinning. I whacked him.
"WHY THE HELL WOULD I GET BOOBS THE SIZE OF MY HEAD????" I yell.
"Because you're a hooker?" He jokingly suggests. I glare at him.
"Well THAT isn't true."
"And why would I obliterate the little boobs I have?" asks Claire, as she puts her little fists aggressively on her hips.
"Okay, I would rather spend money on a goat to live in the apartment with us instead of getting these- actually, that's an awesome idea. Is it possible to sell your boobs? Can I sell these to raise money for a goat?"
"Yes. I want a goat!" Claire cried, suddenly ecstatic. "I don't think you can sell your boobs though... maybe you could sell the rights to your boobs?"
"Um, no prostitution. Damn. DAMN YOU BOOB FAIRY!" At that, Ozzy stops laughing.
"Guys, boob fairies don't exist. Also, no goats."
"Yes, they do." And with that remark, I march off, to go find a boob reduction surgeon.
After spending fifteen extremely uncomfortable minutes on the computer, as the act of sitting down made my chest awkwardly stretch, I managed to find one that would give a free consultation.
"Guys, if you need anything, GET IT YOUR OWN DAMN SELF." I declare, marching out the door.
"Soph, stop. Come on. Be reasonable. Boob fairies don't exist. And why would you want to ruin that good a boob job, just because you're unhappy with it right now? You can get used to it." Ozzy said, sounding reasonable and giving good advice for once.
"Uh huh. Okay. Ozzy, what color are my eyes?" I ask; screwing them shut tightly.
"Umm… Purple." He says, in a tone that while sounding dreamily on anyone else made him seem high.
"That's the color of my BRA, man. And that's exactly why I'm going. NOW."
"No, wait!" he cries, grabbing for my shoulder. Unfortunately, I turn right as he grabs. He manages to get a handful of boobage.
"That tickles! Oi!" I do a well executed hammer-fist to his arm, making it fall in a manner very painful to him.
"Claire, I dunno, sit on him or something until I get back."
"Come on Ozzy, you can make fun of how small mine got while we watch re-runs."
I stand in front of the door to the plastic surgeon's office, while pedestrians jostle and shove around me. Every so often a wise-guy gets the idea to attempt to talk to me. I play the game of seeing if they look above my chest, and when all of them fail, childishly put a finger beneath their face and flick up.
At their look of shock I usually spit on them.
Maybe these things are worth it?
I was wrong. A hobo tried to grope me.
And with that, I run into the building.
"The doctor will be right with you miss." The secretary says, sporting a pair of very fake looking knockers. Must be bangin' the doctor then.
I get tired of men open-mouthed staring at me and nudging their wives, obviously looking forward to their post-op appearance, so I wander around until I find a bathroom.
"You know, even if you get the surgery they're just going to grow back." The Boob Fairy hovers in front of me, all four fleshy inches of her.
"YOU!" I yell. A lesbian at a urinal stops mid-pee and looks at me funny. I look at her back. Why did they have urinals in the woman's room, and how much practice did it take for her to pee standing up like that? "Look, why couldn't you have given me a useful ability? Like the skill to pee standing up? That would be so much better than these useless mounds of flesh bouncing on my chest every time I move!"
"You need a bigger bra, hon." With another *POOF* my chest suddenly feels slightly more comfortable. "See, isn't that better? You're really quite past double Ds. I replaced all your bras at home, too."
With a whimper I remember all my small, comfy sports bras, back in the good ole days, when my boobs were simply A cups and hobos didn't stick their face on my chest.
"How can I get rid of them? Look, I'm sure some other girl would appreciate them and all-"
"No no no! You must learn to love them! I'll cut you a deal. If you use them to get your way a hundred times, then I'll return them to normal.
"Okay. Use boobs to get way. Got it. That can't be so hard! I mean, a hundred- wait."
"There's one catch though… At least one must be used to seduce a male into sleeping with you."
"Hmm, I can easily trick-"
"And you have to go through with it." The tiny fairy smirks, absent-mindedly making her own boobs grow and shrink in a rhythmic fashion.
"Your boobs… distracting… WAIT WHAT?" The lesbian looks over at me again, this time ogling.
"I suggest that man you live with, he's kind of a charity case of mine, too. I'll allow it to count for fifty."
"Oh my god. You want me to seduce Ozzy? Did he wish for these? YOU WANT ME TO SEDUCE OZZY? Who are you, CLAIRE?"
"Oh right, your friend. Her chest will be returned to their proper size if you fulfill this, too."
"Why do you hate me so?" The fairy just stares, unperturbed. "Well, can the other things be small, like passing me chips or blackmailing Ozzy into doing my laundry?"
"You don't already have him doing your laundry? Child, be happy I came when I did, your womanly charms need some work!" And with that last insulting remark, she *POOF*s away.
"Listen lady, you sound crazy, but you want to get some coffee sometime?" the lesbian asks, walking up to me.
"No, but if you teach me to pee standing up I'll let your do whatever you want to them for five minutes." I offer, gesturing to my chest.
"So how was the consultation?" Claire asks as I walk into the living room.
"Not bad, apparently if I get them removed they'll just grow back according to the Boob Fairy, only five different hobos tried to use them as pillows, oh, and I got a lesbian's number." Ozzy looks over at me at that.
"You get boobs and suddenly you're turning lesbian again?" he says, referring to an awkward stage in high school where I tried but failed. "Boobs like that shouldn't be wasted on girls!"
I look at him, eyebrow raised. "So boys should have boobs?"
"You know what I mean."
"Well I got her number so she can teach me to pee standing up" the two of them groan, because my obsession with that had made the bathroom extremely messy one summer "in exchange for her getting five minutes of fun time with the girls." The two of them look at me like I sold my soul to the Devil for cake and didn't get them any. "I don't like calling them the girls, but now that they're so huge I should name them or something. Any ideas?" The expressions turn into children on Christmas.
"Can we use the whiteboard?" Claire asks, motioning to the wall-sized white board in the living room, only used by us when we were doing something outrageously complex, like using "Make A Man Out Of You" from Mulan to determine how manly someone was or deciding what was going to be for dinner when we couldn't remember whose turn it was to pick.
"Ugh. If your choices end up with black lady names I'll name them myself." The two of them scramble over the sofa and get to work with brightly colored-expo markers and scrabbling already. I go off to my room.
Upon reaching my closet, I discover that not my bras were perfectly-sized for my chest, but everything in there had also been affected, and a few outfits had suddenly appeared altogether. Tired of being covered in hobo spit, I quickly change into a shirt that showed off the cleavage while still not looking slutty (if that was even possible with boobs this big), and jeans that used to only slightly fit but now fit perfectly.
Maybe these things weren't so bad after all?
Ozzy pokes his head in through the open doorway. "How do you feel about Laquisha?" he asks, awkwardly staring at my forehead. I throw a book at him. "She says no Claire!" Yeah, these boobs sucked.
"Darn!" I hear from the living room. Suddenly exhausted, I curl up on my bed, face down on a pillow.
"Hey, are you okay?" Ozzy asks, sitting next to me on the bed.
"Would it be weird if I-sfljgbskj." Apparently the Boob Fairy wouldn't let me ask him if I could seduce him.
"What?" He asks, leaning closer.
"Oh go away. You just want me for my boobs now anyway."
"That's not true. You are adorable and you are training to become a doctor and at least you can write at a 5th grade level, so you'll always be able to get a job. So you can support me in my video game playing. Also you make jokes about being a prostitute, which was awesome before and even better now."
"You wished for me to have big boobs, asshole. THE BOOB FAIRY TOLD ME!" Enraged, I start punching his shoulder, which doesn't work very well when you have to twist onto your back so to punch from lying down. And you have mounds the size of watermelons in the way.
"I was- no- kidding- joke- at work- bunch of video game nerds- Lara Croft-" With his sad mumbled excuses as he stared as my chest jiggling while I punched him, I was given an idea.
"Boob Fairy, I request Lara Croft clothes!" With a *POOF* I was suddenly dressed like her. Ozzy didn't manage to escape the smoke and ended up looking like Indiana Jones.
"Huh. Not a bad look." I say, leaning in and kissing his check goodbye. "I'm off to seduce your co-workers!"
"What?" he says, suddenly reading way more into the kiss then he did, oh, YESTERDAY, and looking a little alarmed at what just happened. "Where are my clothes? Why are you off to see the guys?"
I march out, and make it into the living room until Claire's voice stops me. "Sophie, you do realize it's like 8 at night, right? They're probably all at home playing their personal game systems."
I stop in my tracks. "I never ate dinner!"
"Well, neither did we, we got busy drawing. You. With huge boobs."
Sticking my fingers in my ears; "La la la la if they're naked pictures don't tell me la la la la."
"So who's making dinner tonight?" Ozzy asks, wandering into the living room, looking a little dazed, no longer wearing his hat or shoulder bag.
"Don't look at me; I can't bend over to put something in the oven without falling in myself. Dude, do you think anyone every made a pornographic Hansel and Gretel? Where the witch had huge tits and stuff?"
Choosing to ignore my porno suggestion, Claire pointed at Oz. "I'm not going to, I'm thinking up names. How do you like the sound of 'Beige Seduction Thunder' and 'Mound of Wanted Jello'?"
"NO." Ozzy and I say at the same time.
"I'm not cooking. Nor am I going out, I worked hard today." He whines.
"Yeah, sitting at a computer testing video games." I mutter. Remembering the Boob Fairy's requirements I decided trying it out couldn't hurt. "Hey Ozzy, can you do me a favor and go get Chinese takeout?" I ask seductively, and remembering all the chick flicks I had seen, started lightly stroking my fingers up and down his arm. I felt awkward as fuck but it seemed to work, because he hypnotically nodded, grabbed his keys, and left.
"What just happened?" Claire asked, staring daggers at me.
I explain what the Boob Fairy wanted, leaving out the part of how seducing Ozzy makes it easier. "So basically I'm just going to make him do a lot of things for me using THE POWER OF THE BREASTS!" Claire giggled.
"You're such a doctor." She said, flicking a boob.
"Jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle." I say, and we both collapse into giggles on the couch.
The Boob Fairy smiled to herself. "She's learning quickly. Who says media isn't good for anything?"
"Honey I'm home!" Ozzy yells our traditional greeting when someone brings back food.
He walks into the sight of me lying on the floor, beet red, while Claire tries to use my boobs as pillows.
"How did you talk me into this?"
"It doesn't work, they're too big for tiny me."
Ozzy falls over, his nose bleeding.
"Goddammit the food! Wait, did I just make anime real?" I ask, rescuing the wonton soup while nudging the poor boy with my foot.
"Soph-a-loaf gots powers! Anime powers!"
"THE POWER OF THE BREASTS!"
"Okay, you really got to stop saying that."
Slumping backwards on the sofa turned out to be a great idea, because my boobs were now large enough to hold a plate there as I ate the delicious food, and still could see the TV. Putting the plate on the coffee table, I grabbed the plastic steaming bowl of wonton soup, and knowing I could now get away with it, tipped it back and started drinking.
My creepy friends stared as the soup, including the wontons, were quickly consumed, but tiny drops dripped onto my shirt.
"I'm sorry, did you want some? You're welcome to lick it off my chest if you want." Laughing while their jaws hit the floor, I stole the last eggs rolls off their plates.
"I'm not sure if that was gross or seductive, or a little of both." But a second tally mark was joined on the arm of the Boob Fairy.
"Has anyone ever noticed that Prince Eric is actually gay? Is that just me?" I remark, as the three of us do our traditional Friday night activity; chill in someone's bed and make fun of movies. This month was Disney.
*POOF* with a small puff of smoke, the Boob Fairy re-appeared.
"Does anyone else see the small woman floating in front of the screen?" Ozzy asked, sounding a little freaked.
Pausing the movie, I turn to the crazy lady. "Hi, Boob Fairy."
"Boob Fairy? That's what you've been calling me? My name is Belle, and I grant wishes to those who need to appreciate themselves. And others. Honey, get up the courage and just ask her out already! I know her boobs are different now but you still appreciate her for who she is, right?" she asks the blushing boy, as she gestures toward Claire. "In fact, I'm going to make it easier on you." With another *POOF* Claire's boobs are restored, and Belle has vanished, once again.
"She really has the whole 'make-lives-super-awkward' thing down." I say, slowly easing off Ozzy's bed. "If you don't mind, I'll be… not here…"
"No!" he grabs my hand, while he and Claire still stare at each other. "Don't leave. It's not like that."
"Yeah, remember I already asked him out, and he turned me down. Claimed he liked someone else."
"Guys, it really doesn't make a difference to me. I'm going to go get some more fried rice."
Grabbing a bowl from the cupboard and putting the cold leftovers into the microwave seemed less hard. Slowly, the boobs were growing on me. Ha. Even in my head I'm ridiculously funny.
"Sophie, it should make a difference to you!" Claire says, coming into the kitchen, hands back on her hips.
"No, it shouldn't. Wasn't he dating that girl, from work? Amanda."
"For a week. That doesn't matter! He likes y-" a surprisingly quick Oz runs and claps his hand over her mouth.
"Where the fuck did you come from?" I ask, taking the food out of the microwave. Claire struggles and manages to throw off the hand.
"I'm going to bed if you need me. Sophie, listen to me, Ozzy, you guys would be so cute together!"
With that she scampers off. I pelt her with chunks of rice until I hear her bedroom door close.
"You wanna finish the movie?" He asks awkwardly.
"Nah, let's watch Back to the Future instead. I can make fun of the life vest."
Belle's unexpected visit had surprised the trio and in their sloppily getting to the kitchen, had managed to knock most of the pillows (brought by Claire and I into the room) onto the floor, except one. A brief wrestling match claimed Ozzy as the victor, and being too lazy to pick the others up, I simply lean into him. His shoulder his rather hard so I rest my head on his chest.
"Isn't this a little backwards from what Claire and you were trying to do earlier?" he asked, still smug over getting the pillow.
"Look, if you're uncomfortable about my boobs being pressed into your side, give me the damn pillow." I say, reaching up to tug at it.
We lay there in a strangely not awkward silence, watching the movie. Well, until the idiot decides to break it.
"Belle got it wrong, you know."
"Yeah, I'm sure that Claire actually enjoyed having boobs as big as mine were."
"That's not what I meant- nevermind." I didn't hear anymore due to my head suddenly getting very heavy, and an inability to keep my eyes open.
"If she's really deeply asleep, can we poke her boobs and see if they jiggle off?" I hear a feminine voice asking.
"Claire, for the last time, NO!"
"Oh god, how many times has she asked that before?" I roll over, squinting sleepily at them.
"How many guys have come on to you now that you have boobs?" Claire asks. There was a pause as I attempted to count.
"Quite a lot, really."
"For the record, they can't just 'jiggle off.' Trust me, I've tried. Also, according to Belle, surgery doesn't work, remember?"
"Yeah, about Belle. We should all agree last night didn't happen." Claire says, staring pointedly at Ozzy.
"He put you up to this, didn't he?" I say, rolling back over with my back to them. "HOLY SHIT. WHERE THE FUCK AM I."
"Ozzy's bed!" Claire says, giggling.
"Did I sleep here? What time is it? Wait, if I was here- OZZY I WILL KILL YOU."
"Calm down, we fell asleep watching the movie. Nothing happened."
"I do not have the time to deal with this- I have to be at work in fifteen minutes!" I notice, glancing at the clock. "Wait, how the hell am I supposed to do anything with these in the way?"
"Say you got plastic surgery?"
"I'm a resident for the love of god! They make me do all the crazy jobs! I pulled a penis out a Snapple bottle yesterday before I got these lumps!" Both my friends turn green at the metal image of that, following me across the hall while I rush around gathering my things and clothes. "Fuck it, I'll say a boob fairy appeared and made my worst nightmare came true and see what happens. Shit, do you think I can even fit in my scrubs with these?"
"Go topless?" Claire jokingly suggests.
"If I did that, they'd probably stop having me pull penises out of things… Oh hey, Belle adjusted my scrubs top too! Bye guys!"
I rush out the door.
"Damn it Belle. She shoulda gone topless." Claire mutters.
Work was interesting. Instead of people yelling at me for making them wait or insurance, they became hypnotized by my boobs, allowing me to do what I had to. My boobs were like bright colorful lights for them to get distracted by, much like a toddler in front of a TV. My child patients seemed a bit unnerved, which calmed them down enough. A teenage boy started bleeding from his nose so hard he passed out, which was interesting to attempt to explain to his frantic mother, considering he was only in there for a cough.
My co-workers were used to me showing up with temporary crazily-colored hair or fake piercings, so the only remark I got all day was from one of the new nurses. "Your boyfriend is sure into some weird shit." Not wanting to explain I was single and under a curse from a tiny fleshball with wings, I just awkwardly nodded then walked away.
I picked up linner- dunch? supplies on the way home. Considering burrito supplies were cheap, easy to make, and leftovers easily lasted a week, I stocked up. When I ran out of room in the basket I balanced a can of beans on my built-in table. The check out boy stared at me weirdly. "It's really funny, I asked Santa for a kangaroo pouch to hold stuff instead of a purse, but for Christmas he decided a shelf built into my body would be better. It's really amazing what those elves of his can build." He stopped slack-jawed staring after that.
"Honey, I'm home!" I call, walking into the apartment balancing three bags full of groceries in my arms and on top of my boobs.
"You brought food?" Claire and Ozzy instantly appeared in the room.
"We have to cook it. It's burrito night!" In a puff of smoke, they vanish. "BELLE ISN'T HERE; YOU CAN'T PULL THE DISSEAPERAING ACT WITH ME." No one reappears. "I'm gonna get all hot and sweaty cooking!" Still nothing. "I'm taking off my shirt now!" I say, not making a move. Unsurprisingly, they come back in a blink of an eye. "Wow guys, wow." I mutter, grabbing their shirts. "Now help!"
Curling up in front of the TV trying to stop my burrito from falling out the other end or drip hot sauce on myself, I hurriedly eat in my shoving the whole thing in my mouth.
Catching my friends staring at me funny, I wink. "Just because I have boobs doesn't mean me eating like I usually do gets hotter." Claire stares at me. "I may have hooker boobs but that doesn't mean eating suddenly turns into a sex act." They continue to stare. "I just deep-throated that thing, didn't I?" They nod. "Shit. Someone hand me a napkin, I get the feeling if I lick my fingers both of you will instantly cum."
As they throw napkins at me with way too much glee, Belle *poof*s into the room. "If you count today at work… and now… We're up to fifty! So now everything else you do won't count, only that one thing we talked about." And with that, she vanishes away, leaving behind what looked like a Princess Leia slave girl costume.
"I fucking hate you, Belle." I say, cautiously poking at the shiny fabric. My companions look at me.
"What one thing you talked about?" Claire asks. "I thought you just had to make guys do stuff for you."
"Oh, nothing much, I just have to sed-ksdjbg- I mean, make a guy fall for me- and holy shit I still need to go yell at those nerds. Wait, Oz, why the hell are you home? It's 4 in the afternoon."
"The guys at the office said that if I was living with a chick with boobs bigger than double Ds, I could take the week off." He mumbled.
"TO THE GEEK HAVEN!" I yell, doing a superhero pose out of the apartment.
"What are you going to do?" Claire calls after me.
"I'm going to go slap some dorks in the face with my dick!" I yell over my shoulder.
An awkward pause fills the apartment. "Did she just say dick?"
"As in, she has a penis?"
"What the hell did that fairy DO to her?"
"Maybe she was kidding…"
"Want to go after her?"
"Way ahead of you." Claire says, grabbing her purse.
I storm into the office of the video game testers. Getting inside was easy, they knew me here, plus I had huge tits now. The hard part was getting the attention of those completely absorbed into their games.
"Hey everyone, can I have your attention?" Nothing. "I have food!" Still no reaction. "Do any of you actually have girlfriends that aren't made of plastic?" Interestingly, still nothing. "HEY GEEKS, MY BOOBS ARE BIGGER THAN MY HEAD." Oh good, that got everyone's attention. "How many of you ever wanted to bang Lara Croft?" Every hand in the place went up. "Well fuck you people. How many of you have seen me around and thought I would make a good Lara Croft, considering my background in karate and gun training?" Everyone who knew Ozzy put their hand up. "Okay, I'm allowed to kill him now. That is all, goodbye." With that, I turn around and run straight into the asshole himself, and almost fell over if he hadn't managed to catch me.
"Time to go home." He says, his arm still around me, catching Claire by the wrist.
The ride home is odd, to say the least. He doesn't remove his arm, I don't bother wondering about it, and Claire amuses herself by poking my boobs and laughing as they joggle. I'm too tired to make her stop. Technically it was his fault this had happened, due to some video game nerd's wish, but I no longer cared. I resigned myself to a life of falling over when I leaned slightly.
When we get back into the apartment, Claire goes to our shared room while the two of us awkwardly stand in the living room. "Hey Soph?"
"Wanna go out, I guess?"
"Why not." I say, plopping down on the sofa. Belle magics into existence in front of us.
"Simply to keep this story PG, that's close enough of a seduction. Do you want your boobs returned to their normal size now?"
"Yes!" With a wave of her- is that a nipple on the end?- wand, my boobs instantly shrink, and she vanishes.
"Bitch, THESE ARE C CUPS!"
The two of them dated until they stopped. Claire discovered she wasn't meant to only have one lover and had a happy open relationship with the neighbor across the hall that is quite prominent in their lives but wasn't mentioned here because they weren't banging yet. Sophie eventually got used to having boobs, but was grateful they were smaller than her head. Ozzy appreciates her having boobs larger than what she did, and that she stops squashing them with sports bras and finally owns a real bra. And the three of them lived happily ever after. As much as you could when two of them are fucking and the third one stumbles into an open relationship by avoiding the sounds, going next door, and making out with their cute neighbor which eventually leads to more.
And the boobs were the instigator of all, and to this day Sophie will occasionally use her new-found sexuality to seduce her friends into doing her laundry. She has to deal with blood at the hospital all day; you think they could pitch in by washing it off.
And that's the story of how me and Ozzy started dating.
(I'm kidding. Ask Claire, she hates the real story. It involves rape and pillows and a really unfortunate time and a movie that scared me half to death because of nudity and strawberries. That almost sounds more interesting than the boob fairy version.
"So, do you have a dick or not?"
"Wanna find out?"